This post contains spoilers and may contain offensive language.
If you don’t like either, please cover your eyes now.
Hello Bite Clubbers. I’m a little speechless after last night’s episode so I’ll just cut to the chase and get into the recap.
Sookie is taken to Russell’s estate and all hell breaks loose. All the major players walk into the foyer as the King makes his entrance. We’ve got Bill being escorted in by a vamp bodyguard, Lorena descending the staircase, and Eric walking in from one of the other rooms. Bill tries to save her and ends up royally pissing off the King. The poor thing then has to watch Russell command Lorena to kill Bill. Not one to ever keep her pretty trap shut, she tells Lorena that if she kills Bill she will kill her. Lorena, who already hates her, replies that she would love to see her try so that she has the opportunity to rip her apart. The King tells Eric to take Sookie to the library so that he can fix things with Talbot, who’s more than a little upset about the debacle that just happened in his house. As Eric walks her to the library she tries to talk to him to see if he’s putting on a show. He tells her that he’ll do what he has to do to not upset the King and asks her to shut up. While in the library Sookie tells Eric that she thought he cared about her. Eric makes it extremely clear that she means nothing to him. (Friggin’ dirtbag). Russell walks into the library and asks Eric to leave so that he and Sookie can have a little talk. He tells her that he has a few questions for her and she replies that she has a few questions that she wants to ask him. He laughs but, decides to humor her. During the Q&A he finds out that she can read minds and that she has no other powers and she finds out that Bill has been keeping a file on her and that Louisiana has a queen. After her chat with the King she is escorted to her room. She’s balling her eyes out when she hears Tara in her head. She promises to try to get them out of there and not to give up. Tara comes to her aid the next morning and together they beat the ever loving tar out of the werewolf who’s guarding her. They start to make their way out of the house and Sookie tells Tara that they have to find Bill. Tara starts to argue with her but, decides to help her find him. While Tara is off looking for a car, Sookie runs into the house where they’re keeping Bill. She runs to him and they start to get all mushy and heartfelt. The reunion comes to an abrupt end when she’s gets attacked and bitten by Lorena. We’ll have to wait until next week to see what happens. Although after watching the previews it looks like it gets a lot uglier before it gets better.
We find Tara still tied to the bed when Franklin walks in to announce that Sookie has been brought to the house. She knows that the she has to keep up the charade with Franklin so she asks him to untie her because, “two hands are better than none”. He actually unties her and she plays the ‘I’m so into you I need you now’ role to perfection. They get into some back and forth about what he wants to do to her and then what she wants to do to him and um, there’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it. She opens up wide and takes bite out of his neck. Once they’re done doing their thing, she sends a mental message to Sookie that she’s going to try to get them out of there. When morning arrives Tara turns into a crazy person and takes out all her rage on Franklin’s head with some sort of medieval weapon. She then devises a plan to get Sookie out of her room. She manages to get past the werewolf guarding her door and together they whoop his behind and make a run for it. Sookie tells Tara that she wants to find Bill and Tara flat out refuses. After he was going to let her die she doesn’t feel like she should help. Sookie tells her he was forced to do that and Tara reluctantly agrees to help. Tara starts to run around the property looking for a way off and runs into a werewolf. She starts to run but is stopped by a man saying he’s one of the good guys. Turns out it’s a naked Alcide that’s trying to help her out. *Sigh*
So we finally get to see what the deal is with Sam’s whacked out family. Melinda stops by to drop off food and to speak to Tommy before Sam’s able to find out from Tommy what’s going on with Joe Lee. After Melinda’s schpeal about their past she tells Tommy that Sam may be blood but, he’s not family and that he’s not to be trusted. She tells Tommy that they’re all he’s got. Poor Tommy looks defeated and believes what this awful woman is saying. Sam heads into work and finds out from Arlene that his ‘kinfolk’ have a pitbull that they loaded it into their car this morning. Sam puts two and two together and takes off leaving Arlene in mid sentence. Sam calls Andy and asks him about dog fighting in Renard Parish and the surrounding areas. Andy gives him some information and Sam takes off to try and find his brother.
My favorite baby vamp is moping at the bar at the end of the night while Arlene is dealing with the last (and extremely difficult) customer. While Arlene is preparing the customer’s ice tea she accidentally cuts her finger and Jessica’s fangs come out. This leads to a hilarious exchange between Arlene and Jessica who feels bad that she couldn’t control her chompers. While their last customer takes her sweet time eating her meal, Arlene complains that all of her customers stiffed her. Jessica says that she’ll take care of it. Our not so innocent baby vamp hits her with a vamp stare and makes her leave all her money on the table and instructs her to go to the bathroom. Once she gets to the bathroom Jessica helps herself to a little ‘snack’. Arlene starts to knock on the door and before she walks in the customer steps out with a scarf around her neck and tells Arlene she’s the best waitress she’s ever had.
We find Jason literally rolling around in the grass with Crystal. He says a typical Jason line which Crystal misinterprets and they have a bit of a back and forth which leads to Jason asking Crystal not to break his heart. She starts to kiss him and stops when she sniffs something in the air. She apparently senses some sort of danger and starts to get up to leave. Jason tries to stop her but, Crystal asks him to forget about her because what they’re doing is too dangerous. She takes off leaving poor Jason speechless. The next Jason decides to stop by Crystal’s house to deliver some flowers and finds out that she has a fiancé.
Eric stops Sookie from trying to get to Bill’s side and tells the King that he doesn’t know what ‘this’ is but, ‘it’ seems to be valuable. The King asks him to escort Sookie to the library and while on the way there is asked by her if he’s playing up to the King. He informs her that he’ll do what is necessary and asks her to shut her mouth. She starts tearing into him in the library and he loses his cool and tells her that she means nothing to him. The King walks in and asks him to leave them alone. He joins Talbot in a game of cards and proceeds to kind of flirt with him (I think). The King walks in and informs Talbot that he needs to run an errand. He asks Eric to join him and Talbot throws a hissy fit. Eric agrees to help the King run his errand. On the way to their destination the King asks Eric if he’s attached to Sookie. He says he does not attach himself to humans. When pressed further, he says that his tastes lie elsewhere. (I have a theory about this little interaction. If you’re interested in exchanging theories, ask me and we’ll have a little chit chat session). The King then mentions that Lorena thinks that Eric has killed one of his werewolves. Eric says he killed a werewolf but, it was in self-defense. Eric asks him about his employment of werewolves which leads to a conversation about banning all the supernaturals to take over humans. Eric says he likes his vision. They end up at the Queen’s house where Russell proposes marriage. She flat out refuses and gets bum rushed by Eric who threatens to rip her head off for refusing the King and framing him for the V. Left with no other options, she unwillingly accepts the King’s proposal.
In an effort to try to get Sookie out of the house, he attacks and kills one of the King’s bodyguards and then tries to attack the King. He yells at Eric to get her out of the house. Unfortunately for him, Eric’s now playing for the King’s team. He’s taken prisoner and Lorena is ordered to kill him. Bill is tied up to the floor with silver chains and we see Lorena standing in front of a table filled with instruments to torture him. She promises that he will feel pain. She makes an incision down the middle of this chest and then cuts her finger and places it on the wound. She says that during his final death it will be her that’s inside of him and not Sookie. He tries to get through to her cold heart which only serves to increase her unhappiness and anger. After what looks like hours of torture, Bill gets into a conversation about Lorena’s maker and how he welcomes death because, “ it’ll free him of the disease that is you”. Coot and Debbie walk in and are surprised to see Lorena still in the room. Coot says that they were just coming to check on the prisoner. Lorena sees through his response and implies that they were there to drink Bill’s blood. Debbie says that it’s her fault because she made Coot go there because she didn’t see the point of letting his blood go to waste. Lorena allows them to feed off of Bill. Sookie manages to escape and finds where they’re keeping him. To find out what happens check Sookie’s section above.
Lafayette and Jesus’ first kissUm, can anyone say intense??
Lafayette and Jesus putting the smack down on some hillbillies
Don’t ever mess with a man’s car. Ever!
Sophie-Anne getting what was coming to her
I enjoyed Sophie-Anne getting put in her place. I thought it was extremely funny when Eric carried her off to put her in safe keeping.
Alcide’s rear end
Lafayette and Jesus’ conversation about saints
There were a few names that were mispronounced.
Dear True Blood writers,
Please conduct better research on saints and the pronunciation of their names.
Lafayette’s car getting destroyed
Dude, it’s a beautiful car and it didn’t deserve the beating it received.
Least. Favorite. Character. Ever!
Favorite One Liners
‘I would just love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat.’
-Lorena to Sookie
‘Hey, I am paying good money to eat here. You want to keep any of that cheap dyed hair you better stop mouthin’ off to me.’
-Uppity customer to Arlene
‘Well that sucked but, not in a good way.’
-Lafayette to Jesus
‘Please don’t kill me, I’m pregnant.’
-Arlene to Jessica
‘I hate your f***ing guts Eric Northman. I promise I will get you back for this.’
-Sookie to Eric
‘Does the term Satan in a Sunday hat mean anything to you?’
-Lafayette to Jesus
‘Oh honey, there’s a fine line between feisty and delusional.’
-Russell to Sookie
‘You wicked little strumpet.’
-Franklin to Tara
Tell us what you thought of last night’s episode Bite Clubbers.
Inquiring minds want to know.